We Only See Things in Black and White

xoneandonlyx @ 2009-10-17T18:21:00

2009-10-17T23:23:42Z

Well. I just listened to The Young Veins' new song and I have to say, because I wouldn't be me if I didn't: that song gave me suuuuuch a Brendon/Ryan vibe. I'm sorry, I had to say it :)

xoneandonlyx @ 2009-10-03T08:41:00

2009-10-03T13:45:04Z

So I wrote my friend a porny little fic involving a threesome and I'm thinking about changing the names to the Panic boys. In my head I was writing it as them, so might as well, huh? The girl was Brendon (lol) and the main boy that the story was mostly in the perspective of was Ryan, then Jon was the horny little fucker whose idea this all was, haha. Of course I'll have to basically rewrite it because, yeah, I wrote it in half an hour and it sucked. But! This may just end up being the first slash fic I post. I'm excited :)

xoneandonlyx @ 2009-10-02T19:49:00

2009-10-03T00:56:50Z

Wow, I haven't posted in forever. Nothing's been going on, really. School sucks as usual but it's getting better cause of a certain boy :)

So, this girl in my Foods class took my notebook of writing (my slash writing!!!) and read it all and told me it was good. I was like 0_0. I thought she would've freaked out, but I guess not. That was pretty cool. Now she wants me to finish the HS fic so she can read the rest of it, haha. That story's coming along pretty well.

So that's it, basically.
Have some Brian Molko!!

xoneandonlyx @ 2009-09-17T19:22:00

2009-09-18T00:22:55Z

it's sad when you realize that at that moment in time, you wouldn't care if you died on the spot without any warning.

xoneandonlyx @ 2009-09-16T18:25:00

2009-09-16T23:26:58Z

my dad's in the hospital again. I basically grew up in the ICU ward, with my mother working there and my father always being there. we're not sure if it was another heart attack yet. he's already had three. he can't have another stint put it, so if he needs surgery, it's open heart and that's extremely risky. i'm worried, incredibly so.

xoneandonlyx @ 2009-09-14T06:25:00

2009-09-14T11:26:17Z

Kanye West is a douche bag
And I'm epically sad that Cobra didn't win :( x1000

xoneandonlyx @ 2009-08-30T13:01:00

2009-08-30T18:20:22Z

Well as many Panic/Young Veins fans know it is Ryan Ross's day of birth! Now I am about to get mushy, so be prepared.

I can honestly say that I love Ryan. He is an amazing musician and lyricist and inspires me so much. Although he has made a few stupid decisions (but who hasn't?), I look up to him and consider him one of my heroes. He's gorgeous to say the least and dresses like he's a time traveller from the 60s. He can play guitar like a beast and his singing...well he's gotten ALOT better! I remember listening to concert videos where he'd be singing backup and cringing!! Now he's the lead singer of his new band. He's come along pretty far in that aspect :)

Jeez, I remember when they were first starting out and he was what? 18, 19 years old? Now he's 23. It's pretty weird to think that he's only seven years older then me. He's my sister's age. Yet, I look up to him like people look up to Jon Lennon.

I'm kind of at a loss for words right now, but I could say so much more.

I love Ryan Ross and his strange clothes, his long fingers, his tattoos, his weird brain, and his gorgeous smile.
Happy Birthday RyRo.

xoneandonlyx @ 2009-08-21T21:50:00

2009-08-22T02:53:54Z

I'm almost done with that suicide fic. Only took me three months, lol. I gotta send it to my beta so she can proof read it, then I'll make sure it doesn't sound completely stupid then I'll hopefully post it.

School's gotten somewhat better, I guess. I mean, it's as good as school can be, and that's not saying much. :)

Well, nothing more to report really.
I have many fic ideas floating around in my head, and I hope I can write them all!

xoxox

xoneandonlyx @ 2009-08-19T20:56:00

2009-08-20T02:01:02Z

I swear to God, I'm just about ready to join a convent.
Fuck boys.
Spinster-hood is sounding better and better every day.

Some of my posts will my f-locked, now, since I ask a few of my friends to read some of my writing on here. But it's mainly just about guys I like anyway, so it doesn't really matter.

Today was the first day of school and it really, really sucked. So it may not have been the worst day of my life, but it still was really, pretty terrible. I hate LC with a fiery burning passion and most of the student body as well. You can all burn in hell, fuckers!

Ok, sorry for my rantings :)
xoxox

xoneandonlyx @ 2009-08-14T19:27:00

2009-08-15T00:29:36Z

:(
I can't write and it's sad. Like, I physically cannot write. It's terrible, I can't think of anything to happen next and it's not even very far in the story.
I'm contemplating scratching it and starting a Sex Slave AU that's been floating around in my head
Cause PATD fandom does not have enough in my opinion. :)
But this fandom needs more Stpebrother AUs, too!!!! Gah, hopefully I'll be able to write again.

xoneandonlyx @ 2009-08-10T22:14:00

2009-08-11T03:15:20Z

I NEVER REALIZED THAT THEY WERE HOLDING HANDS IN THIS PICTURE BEFORE?!?!?!?!

ryden totally existed. at least in my mind it did. :)

xoneandonlyx @ 2009-08-07T23:42:00

2009-08-08T04:53:07Z

So while going through my camera, I noticed that I have over 150 pictures from my New York trip on it. I went to New York last summer. Lmao. I don't know why they're still on there, becasue I'm pretty positive that they're also on my computer. I have some nice pictures on there, though. Photography is somewhat of a hobby of mine, but I'm not that serious about it. I know the basics to make a picture look nice, but I'm not a fantastic or even a great phtographer. I'm good. My mom sometimes still asks me if I want to go into Photography when I'm in college, but I always say no.

If for some reason I do not become famous, I do have my back-up plan. When you're dealing with fame, you should always have a back-up plan, though. I intend to go to college either in Chicago or at Ball State in Indiana (my techinical homestate, even though it's more like I live in Chicago) to become a high school English teacher with a minor in Creative Writing. It always was my dream to become famous, but not many people know that I don't always mean just musically. I think it would be amazing to become a writer or novelist, if you will. At college I plan to get my Masters in English with a teaching license, so that I'm fluent in the ways of English (wtf am I talking about I sound ridiculous, lmao) so I can still be a writer but also be a teacher.

I don't know why I talk about this sometimes, haha. I just like to ramble. That's basically what this journal is for, me to ramble.
xoxox

xoneandonlyx @ 2009-08-07T02:13:00

2009-08-07T07:13:38Z

I wrote this a long time ago and thought I'd post it.

I remember.

I remember everything. I remember how your face looked the night we got together. The moon was out, shining brighter then usual. It hit your face, making it even paler. It was perfect. The light reflected off your hazel eyes. Your beauty was blinding.

I remember that same night at my apartment. You touched my face with your calloused hands. I always told you you played too much. You whispered, “Everything’s going to be ok.” Your face got closer and I could tell you were nervous. Your lips brushed over mine once, before you pulled away and smiled shyly at me. I smiled back. I placed my right hand around your neck and pulled your face towards mine. I remember you having spearmint gum in your mouth and somehow it got transferred into mine. But we didn’t care. We pulled away and grinned at each other. That had been the beginning. When it was still good.

I remember the first time you said you loved me. We had gone to the ice rink, even though we both were terrible skaters. Somehow we both stayed upright for the majority of the time. Of course, we fell. And while you were laughing above me, you murmured, “God, I love you.” I didn’t think I heard you right. Then you looked at my face and moved my hair out of the way. “You do?” I asked shakily. “I do.” Then you kissed me.

I remember our first fight. We were in our apartment, I was in the kitchen and you stumbled through the door. “Hey, baby.” Your speech was slurred. You made your way over to me and practically fell against me. “You’re drunk,” I accused. You laughed. I walked away. “Hey, don’t you walk away from me!” You grabbed my arm. The next morning I would have bruises that matched the size of your fingers. You pulled me back into the kitchen and I slammed against the counter. “You listen to me!” You swayed and I saw your hand move. I ducked as you swung. I pushed you back and you fell into the counter. I ran to the door. As the elevator doors shut you came out of the apartment.

I remember the next day you came to my parent’s house. My brothers punched you. Of course, I came to your rescue. I always did. You said that you were sorry. You promised never to get drunk again. I believed you.

I remember the night I left you. I threw the ring across the room. It hit the bookcase. You begged me not to leave. I told you I hated you. I told you I wished you would die. You cried. I was happy I made you cry.

I remember crying at the hospital three hours later. You had taken my words to heart. You lay on the hospital bed, your wrist gauzed up. You were alive. That’s all that mattered to me. I felt a hand on my face. You were awake. I threw myself on top of you and sobbed into your shoulder. I called you an idiot. You said, “I know.”

I remember our wedding day. Your face was pale, but his time it had nothing to do with the moon. I felt the same way. We giggled as I stepped in front of you. Your hands were shaking as I took them in mine. Your voice cracked during the vows. Our families laughed. You were grinning when the priest said “You may kiss your bride.” You kissed me. We were happy again.

I remember standing in front of our house after we bought it. You had made sure that it was my dream house, complete with the blue shutters and white picket fence. You carried me in.

I remember your face when I told you I was pregnant. It was green. You almost fainted. I laughed at you.

I remember you not coming home one night. I was crying. I was furious. I jumped to the conclusion that you were cheating. Then the phone rang.

I remember going down to the hospital to identify your body. You had three bullets in you. Two in your chest and one in stomach. They took your wallet. I touched your face. Then I fell on the ground crying.

I remember when they lowered your casket into the ground. I wanted to go with you. I remember being angry. How could you leave me like this? Take me with you. Take me with you.

I remember the day I stopped contemplating suicide. The day I stopped crying. It was two years after your funeral.

Now here I am sitting at your grave. Jeffrey is sitting next to me. He doesn’t understand. He’s only four. I say I love you before I leave. I still love you.

xoneandonlyx @ 2009-07-31T21:44:00

2009-08-01T02:48:58Z

So I have really long nails, right? Ok, well, today I was jokin around with my mom and she was trying to make me smile by tickling me cause I was kinda crabby and I jumped and accidentally scratched my face so now I have this huge red line going from my nose to my chin. It hurts like a beast. :(
I have nothing more to say, really. My life's been uneventful. I work constantly and read my Summer Reading books. School starts on the 19th. :( It's quite depressing, I feel like I haven't had a summer.
Well, that's all to report.

OH and I love Change and New Perspective equally! I didn't realize I haven't said anything about that yet. I love this new Panic sound and I love The Young Veins.

xoxox

xoneandonlyx @ 2009-07-21T22:16:00

2009-07-22T03:18:18Z

HOW COME NOBODY TOLD ME HOW HOT VAMPIRE SEX IS IN A FIC!?!?!?!
i am now an addict.
Ryden vampire sex......-sighs-
WTF guys?!?!

lmao xD
off to find more vampire sex...

xoneandonlyx @ 2009-07-18T22:08:00

2009-07-19T03:19:08Z

Ok, so last night I saw Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. It was seriously awesome!!! Rupert (Ron) was such a hottie, as usual, and Harry.....well, Harry got cute again :) Whenever I looked at him though, I thought of Conor Oberst, lol. I don't know why, but I did. Maybe that was why I thought he was hot in this one? Haha. Anyway. It was a really good one. So, uhm, during the whole movie I kept imagining slash.....xD. And some really bizarre ones too, like Severus/Draco and Albus/Harry. Then of course Harry/Ron <3. I didn't imagine Draco/Harry, like, at all. EXCEPT when the epic Harry/Draco battle came up, I said to my mom (I went with my parents, I'm lame, I know) "LOVER'S QUARREL!!!". She looked at me like this: o_O.

Well I've been on vacation from work since Wednesday. On Wednesday we went to Turkey Run which is a state park that has all of these awesome hiking trails. My grandparents and my parents and me and my sister all went. Me, my sis, and my parents went on this really awesome trail that was in this canyon type thing where a river used to be, but over time the water level went down and eventually disappered. It was really cool and totally pretty. On Thursday me, my parents, and my sister went to Great America and stayed the night. I got a Batman cape, I am not ashamed to say. :) Then yesterday I went to this Greek Fest thing at the Greek Orthodox church down the street. I'm not Greek, but I like gyros, haha. And then we saw HP6! Today I went to my cousin's and my sister's boyfriend's grad parties. Nothing special. I DID have Mike's Hard Cranberry Lemonade, though, for the first time and it was really yummy. Kinda tasted like sparkling grape juice. I had never really been a fan of regular Mike's, but this was reaaaally yummy.

Well, nothing much else to report. Tomorrow I'm going to the zoo. :D I'm excited. I love the zoo.
xoxoxox

xoneandonlyx @ 2009-07-17T19:25:00

2009-07-18T00:26:37Z

I get to see Harry Potter tonight! I'll give a full review once I'm back and make a proper post.
xoxox

xoneandonlyx @ 2009-07-13T21:25:00

2009-07-14T02:27:10Z

GAAAAAH I need to know if he likes me!!!!!!!! But I'm too chickenshit to bluntly ask him. It might help with the confusion if I know, though!!!

-facekeyboardsmash-

alksfhobasioBfosfibcascfn

xoneandonlyx @ 2009-07-11T10:42:00

2009-07-11T15:42:35Z

My chocolate milk tastes like melting chocolate ice cream.......yuuuuuuuuum.

xoneandonlyx @ 2009-07-10T12:35:00

2009-07-10T17:52:13Z

So there's a couple things that have been on my brain the past couple days.
#1: So there's this boy....haha, yeah, I know, that's like the most cliche starting phrase to every story. ANYWAY, there is this boy. He's my friend. He has been for a little while, not long, but it's not like we just met, either. Well, for this whole dilemma I'm going through to make sense, I think it should be said that when it comes to guys, I pretty much always know my feelings about them the second I have a conversation with them. I NEVER have "confused" feelings about who I like or don't like. So, why the hell am I so confused over him??? I can honestly say that I have no idea if I like him just as a friend or more then that. A little while ago, I liked him as more then a friend, but he had a girlfriend, so I got over it, which I can do pretty quickly. Now that he doesn't have a girlfriend, and I'm techinically "allowed" to like him, I'm lost as to what my feelings are. I mean, I don't know if he likes me, and to be honest, something tells me he doesn't, so maybe I should just ignore this confusion? I don't know, my brain keeps spinning from this topic.

#2: The Oh Glory Demo little clip???? OHMYGOD. I seriously died when I heard it. Brendon's voice....just ♥ _ ♥ . Can I has him, pease? Oh and is that Spencer's voice in the background or still Bren's? I was trying to figure that out, but I still can't. I've literally listened to that 30-seconds over 30 times since 11 this morning. God, I love it so much and I can't wait for the album.

#3: The whole Ryan coke deal. -Sighs- This is a hard one for me, because honestly, I still LOVE Ryan to death. He was always my #1 (with Bren as an extremely close 2nd) and, I don't know. I want to be mad at him, I really do, but I can't. He's made some big mistakes, and I just hope he can stop all this drug nonsense and get back on track. I am very excited to hear his and Jon's stuff, but I won't be able to if he's fucking DEAD. Ryan and Brendon are seriously my idols and my heroes, and I can't even imagine how hard it would be for me if one of them died. I really hope he just stops and gets help if he needs it.

Well, onto happier stuff!
#4: So far, I have yet to start writing again, which is kinda sucky because I had been writing quite a bit of the Stepbrothers story and I had really wanted to post it. And then there was a suicide fic that I won't post for a looooooooong time because suicide fic is the last thing we all need right now, haha. But I'm still writing and I hope to still post my first slash fic.

And that's all. xoxoxox

xoneandonlyx @ 2009-07-08T10:29:00

2009-07-08T15:30:40Z

i think all of the sad/angry/bitter/murderous Panic fans need to listen to this lovely video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qHXcJtxqGE8

ftw! :)

HAVE A GOOD DAY! SMILE! THEY'RE MY FAVORITE BAND, TOO, BUT THEY. ARE. HAPPY!!!!! LET THEM BE HAPPY!!!
<3

xoneandonlyx @ 2009-07-07T12:21:00

2009-07-07T17:22:20Z

http://www.friendsorenemies.com/web/foe/journals/supjustin/entry/4300421/
i just started crying again

i'm covering this when i get my band together.

xoneandonlyx @ 2009-07-07T00:57:00

2009-07-07T06:05:06Z

oh god.
i'm definitely emotionally exhausted
wanna know why?
well i was ranting to my mom about the whole panic fiasco and how people were being mean to ryan and jon and wishing them death and i was also complaining about my whole day. this is basically what i said

"This day sucks! First I had to wake up at a decent hour to go to work, THEN I got sent home from work because I was sick, THEN my favorite band in the whole world, my effing heroes, man, split, but Bren and Spence are still gonna be in it, but RYAN, MY RYAN, is leaving, mother! And Jon too, BUT RYAN. THEN I went on Twitter to see that people were being mean to Jon and Ryan, THEN someone made up a rumor about Ryan effing DIEING, and then to top it all off, I JUST GOT A FREAKING PAPER CUT!!!!!!!!!!!"

this was all set off by a paper cut.
lmao.
i'm better now.
i went from devestated to angry to content.
we'll have old Panic with Bren and Spence and then a more Pretty. Odd. sound from Ryan and Jon. I can live with this.
anyway, i think i should probably go to bed soon. i really am exhausted.

i hope i'll wake up and it'll all be one big terrible nightmare.

xoneandonlyx @ 2009-07-06T20:16:00

2009-07-07T01:17:50Z

is anyone as inconsolable as i am?
i can't believe it.
i literally sat crying on my bed for a good half hour.
how different do you think Panic's gonna be?

xoneandonlyx @ 2009-07-05T10:19:00

2009-07-05T15:21:08Z

Ever since I was a child I've hated fireworks
Last night was extremely boring for me.
And my friend kinda pissed me off last night too.
AND to top it all off, I have to go to a baby shower. Not the funnest thing in the world, trust me.